Help Waylon With Bifocal-Fashion Delimma

It's time to face some unfortunate facts: I can't see crap, the doctor says I have to get bifocals, and I have no executive decision making ability.  For these reasons, your input is being sought to help solve my eye-wear dilemma.

See those glasses I'm wearing? They're worthless. The prescription is 4 years old and simply doesn't cut it anymore. The doctor says bifocals are next.  Personally, I'm not okay with this. It's not because I have a problem with getting older -- the problem revolves around my contempt for modern fashion.

My current lenses measure exactly 1-1/4 inches in height. These are way too small. To hell with fashion, I need to be able to see. How on Earth are they going to fit bifocals into 1-1/4 inches?

Being a product of the 1970's, I want Farrah Fawcett Majors' glasses.  You remember, the lenses so big they could function as a space helmet. Those glasses were so huge you could use them to glide in for a soft landing should you ever fall out of an airplane. That's practicality.  How about glasses capable of being used as a heat shield during orbital re-entry? That's what were talking about.

Personally, this works for me.

We all know that Samuel L. Jackson has forgotten more about being cool than I will ever know. Regardless, his taste in eye-were doesn't meet my needs.

Don't even try to convince anyone that this lady can see anything through those.

Don't even get me started. Too sad for words.

While I ultimately have little respect for "The Beib," you have to give the guy credit. No doubt he can see. This, of course, assumes he can get his eyes open after all the weed he's been reported to be smoking lately. Busted!

What to do?  Surrender to the demands of modern day fashion-savvy pressure, or dismiss the trappings of widespread acceptance, and go for good, clear, reliable visibility? When I was shopping for my current set of frames, there was a little fat kid at the glasses store that gave me some advice. I went back to the same optical shop earlier today, and the kid wasn't there anymore. Help me out people, I suck at this.